As an educator, I have often been moved by the wonder in a young child’s eyes when they discover something new. It reminds me of my own childhood curiosity, particularly when I first encountered verses from Kahlil Gibran’s poem On Children in the opening pages of a book my mother had written:
Your children are not your children. […] And though they are with you, yet they belong not to you. […] You may give them your love but not your thoughts, For they have their own thoughts.
As a youngster, I wondered how children could possibly not belong to their parents. Years later, I began to appreciate Gibran’s wisdom. We bring children into this world, love them deeply, and devote ourselves to their well-being, yet they are individuals with their own thoughts, aspirations, and futures. They are not extensions of ourselves, nor are they here to fulfill our unrealized dreams. Our responsibility is to nurture their potential and give them the values and confidence to find their own paths.
Gentle Parenting: Empathy with Boundaries
Gibran’s philosophy brings to mind the gentle parenting approach that has become popular in recent years. Its emphasis on empathy, respect, and loving relationships is important. Yet an important distinction is sometimes overlooked: respecting children’s feelings does not mean accepting every behavior.
A child may become angry when another takes a toy. We should acknowledge that anger while making clear that hitting is unacceptable. A child may be disappointed when playtime ends but must still follow directions. Children need to understand that their feelings matter, but so do others’ feelings and rights.
Research on Parenting: Clear Expectations and Consistent Guidance
Decades of research have found that children generally benefit from authoritative parenting, which combines warmth and responsiveness with clear expectations, reasonable boundaries, and consistent guidance. Unlike authoritarian parenting, it does not rely on fear or unquestioning obedience. At the same time, it maintains clear limits, unlike permissive parenting. Gentle parenting can embrace these principles, but problems arise when people mistake empathy for permissiveness.
Consequences should be reasonable, age-appropriate, and related to behavior. When a child hurts another, we can teach empathy and responsibility. Saying “I am sorry” is a beginning, but children must understand how their actions affect others and learn to make things right, whether by offering comfort, repairing harm, or showing greater kindness. Our goal is not to humiliate children, but to help them become caring, responsible individuals.
Preparing Children for Life
As educators, we see these lessons every day. Children must learn to share, follow directions, accept corrections, and respect others. These are not merely classroom rules; they are essential life skills. When we shield children from disappointment or remove every obstacle, we may deprive them of opportunities to develop resilience and independence. Above all, compassion is not simply something children receive. They must learn to extend it to others.
Learning to Care for Others
Parents, too, have feelings and vulnerabilities. We teach children empathy by acknowledging their emotions. We nurture compassion by helping them recognize and care about others’ feelings, including our own, without expecting them to carry the burden of adult emotions.
Many years ago, when my son was about seven, we had planned for a trip to Disneyland in July. He had been eagerly looking forward to it. A week before our departure, my mother passed away. Overwhelmed by grief, I explained that we could no longer make the trip. Setting aside his disappointment, he came closer, wrapped his little arms around me in a comforting embrace, and whispered, “I’m so sorry, Mom. I miss Grandma too. Don’t worry about Disneyland.”
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